A review of NAKED [tm] ALL NATURAL FRUIT SMOOTHIE Originally published online at McSweeney's
The Walk of Shame, as it used to be called back in the 20th century, is typically defined as one's walk home after a sexy night spent at a lover's. The "walk" part of it is self-explanatory, but the "shame" part comes in because you don't take a shower in the morning and you look like sentient garbage. Your breath, as Vonnegut so nicely put it, smells like mustard gas, and you sure as hell don't have any deodorant on, and your hair looks like one part flock-of-seagulls and one part wet shaggy dog. During this Walk of Shame, your chance of encountering a distant relative, a TV news reporter filming stock footage of the homeless, or, more likely, every person you've ever admired, increases conversely with your attractiveness at any given moment.
"Hey, So-and-So," someone might say from across the street, waving you over. "You look like shit!"
You quickly try to smooth out your hair. "Thanks, Father Thomas," you might answer.
He'll sniff the air as you approach. "Have you been having relations before marriage, So-and-So?"
"No, Father Thomas," you'll answer, crossing your fingers behind your back.
"I have to say, So-and-So," he'll say, "you smell like booty."
"No, sir!" you'll pipe up. "It's just this Naked [TM] All Natural Antioxidant Juice Smoothie I have with me." And you'll hold up the Naked [TM] All Natural Antioxidant 100% Juice Smoothie you purchased for a whopping $4 (!) at the gas station across the street from your lover's house.
"Well, I'll be a monkey's grandson, so to speak! That Juice smells like a [horribly vulgar slang term for a sexual act involving a city in Ohio]!"
You'll aggressively nod, unscrew the plastic cap, and take a swig of antioxidant goodness. You'll make a satisfied sound, then hold up the plastic recyclable bottle up to the light of day. "Just juice!" you'll shout.
Father Thomas, or whomever you might be talking to in this completely hypothetical situation, will gladly accept your fervor, pat you on the back, and ask you about why your generation is so accepting of homosexuals. Before you offer an informed, convincing explanation of why Father Thomas is probably a hypocrite, you'll take another swig from Naked [TM] All Natural Antioxidant 100% Juice Smoothie and decide right then and there: Healthy Never Tasted So Good.
Johnny Day, writer, storyteller. Portland, Oregon.